Once upon a time… Ah, yes. The fairy tale. You and your husband were crazy about each other when you first met. Madly in love and filled to the brim with lust. You couldn’t eat, sleep, or breathe without thinking about each other. This was it! He was the man of your dreams. It was magical, wasn’t it? The deep connection you two shared, how much excitement you felt about each other even when you were apart, and how you simply could not get enough of each other when you were together. The two of you were in your own little world and it just felt so right, didn’t it? In fact, this man was so incredible you even decided you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him.
Let’s also not forget about the undeniably best sex you’ve ever had when you’re in love. It’s as though you’re magnetized to each other and every sensation is ultra-heightened. Do you remember? You couldn’t keep your hands off each other for more than five minutes and your panties would get wet by just looking at him! There was endless affection, whispering sweet-nothings to each other, and hot, passionate sex every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I bet you thought your strong desire for him would never fade away, right? Say nothing about the fact one day you’d be reaching for the lube to help get things going down there!
So, what do you suppose happened? I have a theory about the different zones a relationship can go through. According to Dr. Me, there are three zones a long-term relationship is comprised of: The Bliss Zone, The Comfort Zone, and The Danger Zone. Let’s break these zones down, shall we?
THE BLISS ZONE
The Bliss Zone is what I just described. The beginning of the relationship is so incredible, exciting, carefree, loving, affectionate, and filled with such sweetness pouring from both of you; it is almost nauseating for others to watch. Nothing matters during this time except for being able to spend every moment together and enjoy each other on every level and in every possible way. Falling in love is one of the most absolutely amazing experiences life has to offer, isn’t it? There is nothing like it, and I hope every woman has the chance to experience this wonderful time at least once in her life.
The Bliss Zone is such an incredible time and riding on this natural high of love feels so good. All of these amazing feelings of love are accompanied by one sole desire: to please him. Think of the effort you would make to keep him enamored with you. You probably bought new clothes and shoes, you definitely bought plenty of sexy underwear and lingerie, you made sure your legs were always silky smooth, you invested the time to do your hair and makeup with such care, and you would go to the nail salon and have manicures and pedicures done religiously. You would laugh at all of his jokes (funny or not), you were over-the-top sweet, you oozed of sexiness, you happily stroked his ego with your flirtatious behavior, you showered him with affection galore, and you simply adored him in every imaginable way .
THE COMFORT ZONE
You took your relationship to the next level, got married and decided to spend your life together. It was an amazing and wonderful part of the journey. This stage of your relationship was still new and fresh, but in a different way. It became more solid, more real and less fairy tale, but incredible just the same. Once you moved past the excitement of life’s monumental events— getting married, buying a house, and starting a family—you began to settle into your new life. After all, your relationship can’t sustain itself in The Bliss Zone forever, and so the relationship naturally progressed into The Comfort Zone.
Now, you’re beyond comfortable with each other. So comfortable in fact, your morning alarm is when your husband begins to stir from his slumber and farts. Loud. And he finally, finally gets the privilege of seeing you without makeup on and dare I say it…leg stubble.
Life is still good, right?
Yes, it is. However, as time marches forward, you begin to wonder how on earth these exciting milestones in your life have also become some of the biggest stressors. You’re very busy with your career, or staying home and being ridiculously busy with your little ones, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and on and on. The responsibilities of a woman are endless, and juggling all these responsibilities in your new phase of life can feel overwhelming. Being so busy with your new life has even managed to affect your libido to some degree, hasn’t it?
All you want to do at the end of a very long day is tuck the kids into bed without drama (good luck with that one), take a nice hot shower, put on your comfy jammies, and pray to the Gods of Slumber your children will return the courtesy of an uninterrupted night sleep, for once. You crawl into bed and somehow it’s feeling extra comfortable tonight, probably because you’re utterly exhausted. You turn off the light, pull your eye mask over your eyes, nestle your body in your favorite sleeping position, and give your bestie a big squeeze (this would be your pillow, not your best friend).
Ahhhh…here it comes. Beautiful rest. You’re so relieved the day is done.
And just as you start to fade into your dream world, in comes your husband. He hops into bed all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. After all, you got into bed only seven minutes before him, so he innocently thought you were still awake. But unfortunately for your beauty sleep, he was wrong. He startled you from near-sleep and caused your heart to pound in your chest for a minute.
He leans over and whispers in your ear ‘hey honey…pssst…are you awake?’ Completely annoyed because he just woke you, you make a long and exaggerated sigh to express your annoyance as you slowly turn your head around and lift up one corner of your eye mask. He pays no attention to the icy daggers you shoot through your one evil eye, and he proceeds to repeatedly tap his hard-on near the crack of your ass, like he’s knocking on a door.
And you’re like, ‘Excuse me, what do you think you’re doing? You want to have sex now? It’s too late.’ You think to yourself, ‘yeah right, like that’s going to happen,’ knowing there’s not a chance in hell.
You tell yourself ‘maybe tomorrow night’ so you don’t feel like the neglectful wife. And even though you’re still a little perturbed he startled you, you let him down gently and explain to him how completely exhausted you are (which is true) and promise him morning sex before the kids get up (which is not true). You hope to get a little compassion from him, but ultimately you know you just rejected him, again, and bruised his ego, again.
Some minor feelings of guilt swim around inside your head as you kiss him goodnight and tell him you love him. You hear your inner voice reminding you how you should satisfy your man no matter how tired you feel. And you want to. You do. But even though you may feel mentally willing, your body does not feel physically able. ‘Damn, doesn’t he get tired too?’ You think to yourself as you readjust your eye mask, settle back into your sleeping position, and drift off into a heavenly sleep.
It is unbelievably common for the vast majority of couples who have been in long-term relationships to experience the progression of the sexual downslide. It is not an intentional or calculated act, but life is happening and certain aspects of your relationship have the tendency of slipping through the cracks. If this has happened, your sex life can become a mundane routine, a rare occurrence, or even worse, completely non-existent.
Overall, your relationship shifts and evolves through The Comfort Zone. The physical connection that was once so intense between you and your husband can get absolutely lost along the way if you aren’t paying attention. Let’s be honest; sex is one of the easiest things for a woman to remove from her busy daily schedule. Eventually, you can start to feel like ‘just one more thing I have to do.’ However, that’s not the mindset of the majority of married men. Even though they fight through their own crazy and busy day, somehow, someway, they miraculously still have the energy and desire to have sex with their wives as often as they did in The Bliss Zone. If this imbalance occurs in your relationship, it can potentially create a host of unnecessary problems and manifest itself in undesirable ways.
Stay tuned for the next post to complete this two-part series: